Do You Ever
by FadedCandlelight
Summary: The secret thoughts of a certain teenage turtle...
1. Death

Do you ever wonder about death? If there is a glittering, silver city of Heaven, or a fiery, bloody pit of Hell? Or maybe it's just a vast space of nothing? I do. I wonder. I imagine every possible theory from every religion, even some from my own creativity. I imagine what it would be like to see a loved one die. For myself to die. Would it be quick and painless, or perhaps slow and agonizing? Both? How would others react? Would it depend on the type of death, or will it be the same no matter? You may be asking yourself about why is it I am asking all of this. Because of one reason.

I'm giving up.

It seems that so very long ago, I was such an innocent and carefree child. I was surrounded with an amount of love that kept me comfortable. I didn't care of my looks or my personality. I was proud to be just me. Then, it all changed. I was alone. Stuck with my family, but I was abandoned as everyone I knew walked away to do their own things that couldn't include me. I feared being close to anyone, added to that fear of becoming alone over and over. I was alone so much that I simply started to crave solitude, to crave for the shadows that encased me like a cold, dark blanket. I wanted to be alone for the rest of eternity. Rotting away and no one would notice or care. Though, I still stick with my family, hiding my true feelings behind a fake smile as I try to bring cheer to my brothers the most. My life revolves around my brothers, so much that leaving them hurts. But they don't deserve me as a sibling.

I'm cursed. Spoiled like expired milk. No matter how much I try not to, I bring trouble to myself. So much, much trouble. That's when I thought of death. I can rid myself of these feelings of pain, regret, self-hatred. I can rid my family of my troubles and despair. Life could be much better without me, more peaceful and painless. As if I've never existed. Alas, I've never harmed myself. My head is filled with thoughts of doing it, even my dreams insists, but I don't do it. I am scared of the unknown, of what will become of my spirit afterwards, but I also know that it is not right. Even now as I tell you all my most innermost thoughts, I can see that this whole thing is foolish and selfish.

But...why does my heart still ache with the need to...

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Hi everyone. I am kind of in a tight spot with this story already and I need opinions. So, if you can please review then I need to know if I should leave this as a short one-shot or if I should continue. Every comment helps, no matter how mean. Actually, I don't care if someone writes a mean comment, because then the negative feelings I get can and will be transfered into my writing. My current feelings are what created this monster of a story, just so you know. So yeah, please leave a comment so I can get an idea of what I should do.


	2. Favorites

Do you ever wonder why you like something? As one of your most favored television shows appear on screen and you get that rush of excitement, or if you got the next book in a series that you enjoy and you can't wait to open the pages of a different world. What is the cause of it all? What makes you into it? Why do you like this, why is that character important to you, what is so special about that brand of clothing? Why? Why must we favor the things we favor? Here I am asking all of this as I watch my favorite character on one of my favorite television shows on one of my favorite channels on one of my favorite televisions in one of my favorite places. Not like I can watch television anywhere else except in the main room, but still. So why? Why do we like something that makes us feel giddy or happy in any way? The answer is simple.

Because it just is.

My brothers always tease me about the things I like, making fun of this movie or the plot of a video game. They constantly ask, some nicer than others, about why I am attracted to this 'junk'. I always answer the same.

"Because I just do."

Does it have to do with my personality? Is that a reason? Perhaps, or perhaps not. All I know is that I like what I like because it appeals to me. It catches my attention the most than others. But, as I sit, I think even more deeper. I like this color because it reflects me. I like this show because of the strong bond between the brothers. I like this music because it makes me feel more emotions than other types of music. Maybe, what we like has to do with ourselves. Our feelings, personality, dreams, etc. If we think hard enough, we might find a small spark of what we like within ourselves. No matter how small.

But it's just my theory...it's probably, no definitely, not true in the slightest...

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This sucks. I'm rereading this thing and I absolutely despise it. It sounds horrible! Anywho, I guess I'm continuing this story for those who really wanted me to continue. FYI, not every chapter in this story is going to be like the first chapter. Some will be random like this chapter while others will be...like...last chapter. Yeah...


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